Crazy Writer goes to Canada. part 3.

Toilet humor - or more precisely pit toilet humor.

As a frequent traveler of the US highway systems, I’m used to rest stop areas featuring these sturdy looking bathrooms.

A lot of the rest stops along the ALCAN feature bathrooms that are more like the old fashioned outhouses or pit toilets.

You’ll notice the buildings are wood and the doors just a thin slab with a little hook & eye type lock. Most of them also set right at the edge of heavily wooded areas.

Most of our stops far from towns featured the pit toilet and one of these types of trash cans. I could not resist pointing out to J, who had to make ‘pit stops’ (pun intended) more frequently than I, that the trash in these areas are better protected than her inside one of these little restrooms. Plus the trash cans smelled better than the bathrooms.

One night we were driving well past dark because we’d mis-judged how long it would take us to get to the next town with a motel. We had seen 3 bears near the road that day.  One just 20 minutes before she said she just had to stop. There were no lights at all in the area so all we could see was what was directly ahead of us in the headlights.

J pulled up as close to the pit toilet as she possibly could and left the headlights on so she could hopefully see a little bit once she got inside (it’s difficult to hold a flashlight and undo clothing at the same time). She added yet another new duty to the growing list of riding shotgun responsibilities. I was to keep one hand on the horn while continuously scouring the surrounding area for any sign of a bear. Her theory was that if I honked the horn to alert her to the presence of a bear she could make a mad dash back to the car.

Because I’m a very supportive friend and don’t like to dwell on the negative, I refrained from pointing out that the bears we saw that day were all black and would have to be very close to the car in order for me to see them in the very dark area outside of the headlights.

I wrote a little poem about the next series of events which in hind sight I found extremely funny. J did not see the humor at all when I read it to her the next day and somehow the page got ripped out of my notebook and tossed out the car window.

Alas I’ll never be able to match the cleverness of my original rhyme written while the incident was so fresh in my mind (plus the whole threat of murder) but I will tell you that it involved the rustling of dried leaves, the screech of an owl, a nervous hand jerking unintentionally against a car horn, and a frightened woman stumbling out of her own jeans during a desperate dash toward the safety of the car.

A car, I might add, that became decidedly unsafe for the other woman with the nervous hand.

Crazy Writer goes to Canada. part 2.

 

Stupid tourist mistakes.

Several hours after the sticky window incident we came across a huge black bear lying on the side of the road. It was her side of the road so I didn’t mind the fact that once again she stopped the car. We didn’t see any movements from it but there wasn’t any blood or anything to indicate what had happened to it either.

I had an idea for a great picture to share with our friends at home. I told J to get out and put one foot on the bear. I figured we'd tell people she'd fought the bear and won.

For some odd reason (maybe she is less crazy than me), J was reluctant to do that but she volunteered to stay in the car while I got out and posed. She said the pictures should come out just as good without her getting any closer to the bear than she was at that time.

We were stopped there in the middle of the road for several minutes discussing which of us should pose and which should take the pictures. Before we could decide we saw another car approaching so we ended up just driving off without either of us posing.

When we got to the next town we stopped for gas. J mentioned to the person at the gas station that we had seen a bear on the side of the road that appeared to be dead.

The Canadian commented, “Aye we know about the bear. A truck hit it early today but I just sent someone to go pick it up because of the stupid tourists.”

I avoided eye contact with J and asked, “Stupid tourists?”

“Aye the stupid tourists keep stopping there and getting OUT of their cars to take pictures of it. Can you believe people are so stupid? One of them are gonna get killed for sure. They couldn’t even be sure the bear was dead. Sometimes being hit by a car just stuns them and of course other bears might come around at any time. People on vacation seem to be on vacation from common sense around these parts.” She was shaking her head.

J sent me an ‘I told you so’ kind of look but I managed to keep a straight face as I acted shocked that anyone would even consider getting out of their car near an injured bear.” I slid back in the car real quick.

J waited until we’d pulled back on to the highway until she burst out laughing. “Stupid tourists.” She muttered.

“Yeah, stupid tourists.” I said joining in the laughter. I made myself a little promise right there to avoid stupid tourists mistakes and be more cautious.



The next day we were driving along in the middle of nowhere, a couple of hours from ‘bump in the road’ but still an hour from ‘hole in the wall’ when a little bear ran right across the road in front of our car.

“Oh look, it’s a baby bear. How cute.” J stopped the car right across from where the little guy was scampering up a steep embankment. We both pulled out our cameras and she lowered her window so we could get better pictures.

The bear stopped at the top of the embankment and looked back at us as if he was posing so we’d have time to get his picture. He was making little bear noises and we were busy clicking away with our cameras and commenting on how adorable he was.

I was startled by a loud growling noise coming from the opposite side of the road. A huge bear was charging straight at our car. My side of the car. “Go! Drive!” I screamed.

J hit the gas and we shot forward just in time to avoid the bear hitting the side of the car. My side of the car.

I turned to look back as momma bear seemed to be trying to decide whether to chase us or join her baby. A few pounding heartbeats later she headed on up the embankment toward her baby and I let out the breath I was holding.

It was time for another gas station stop when we reached ‘hole in the wall’.

The friendly station attendant came out to chat a bit while we filled up the tank. She asked where we’d come from and where we were headed. After we told her, she casually asked us if we’d seen any bears along our drive.

I told her we had seen a cute little baby bear and I was just about to tell her about the scary momma bear when she gave a snort of laughter. “Well at least you didn’t stop and try to take pictures of it like this fool did a couple of days ago.”

“Oh?” Again I tried to look like the thought had never crossed my mind.

She grabbed a picture and brought it over for us to look at. It was of a jeep with the soft cover top ripped and hanging in shreds.  There were a few dark stains on the seat and some dents along the side. “This fool thought he’d just stop right smack dab in the middle of the road and take some pictures. He didn’t even look around to see where the momma was. Of course the momma’s not gonna be far from her baby. There he was in his little jeep sitting between her and her baby. She tried to go right through the jeep. He got so scared he was having trouble shifting and taking off. The jeep died and the momma bear went to ripping up the jeep. She managed to catch him on the shoulder with a paw swipe before he could get the jeep moving.”

“The man’s lucky all he got was a few deep scratches from her paw. Can you imagine someone seeing a baby bear and not bothering to see where the momma is before they stop?”

“No,” I said with wide eyed innocence. “I can’t imagine anyone doing that.”

Crazy Writer goes to Canada.

A writer friend of mine (let's call her J so she can't sue my as*) just happened to be driving back to the Ozarks from Fairbanks, Alaska (where she left her husband to mine for gold, literally) and he thought it would be a good idea for her to have some company and supervision on the long journey.  He really didn't know me all that well.  Insert menical laughter here. 
Oh the stories I could tell of bears, pit toilets, thaw bulbs, hunky long-haired hikers and silly tourist mistakes, if only J hadn’t threatened to murderer me in my sleep if I ever wrote about it.

Surprise! This Crazy Writer doesn’t mind living dangerously so here are a few of my crazy Canadain adventures.

Bears, writers and sticky electric windows, OH MY!!!

Bear Adventures.

It was early evening on our first day of driving along the ALCAN (Alaska Canada Highway) headed south when we spotted our first bear. It looked huge as it leisurely crossed the road in front of us. We had to stop to avoid hitting it when he paused in our lane to stare at us.

I fumbled around for my camera and J threw the car in park so she could reach hers on the back seat.
Apparently we didn’t look too interesting or tasty because after a couple of moments he went on across the road. I finally found my camera and got this picture as he walked away.

I swear that black blob inside the circle is the second bear we spotted.  Don't worry my camera skills improved along the way.
On our second full day of driving I was alert for bear, elk or moose sightings with my camera always handy so of course the only animals we spotted that day were a couple of little deers much like the hundreds of deers I've seen in the Ozarks.
I did however spot a man with long black hair and a scupted body walking along the highway in the middle of nowhere.  J ignored my pleas to stop the car so I could offer him a ride and I missed my chance to photograph the beautiful speciman of manhood in his natural habitat.  I'm only guessing about it being his natural habitat because he looked to be of Athabaskan Indian decent.

The third bear I spotted was standing on the shoulder of the highway as if he was just waiting for someone to come by and take his picture. J was afraid the car might scare him off so she proceeded slowly up to where he was standing. I forgot to snap any pictures as I stared out the side window at the bear that was only one good lunge from my side of the car.


He stared at me intently moving his head slightly this way and that as if to make sure he saw all my strange attributes. After a moment of this he curled his lip and sort of wrinkled his nose as if he’d smelled something unpleasant. That’s when it struck me that he was acting just like visitors to the zoo do only I was now the animal trapped on display in the small container and he was free to wander on to the next exibit.

Once he’d had a good long look he turned around and walked a few feet away into some high grass. He turned back toward us and laid down. I could still see his head and back and I finally remembered the camera in my hand.

J had frantically been searching in the back seat for her camera but I had ignored all her pleas for help in finding it.

While J was getting the cap off her camera lens, I reviewed my pictures on the tiny screen. They were all blurry because of the reflection from the door window.

“Oh shoot these didn’t come out because of the window.”

“Roll it down.” J said.

I looked from her to the bear. He was on my side of the car and really close. A shiver of unease traveled down my spine. “I guess I can keep my finger on the electronic button and get it up before he can reach us.”

“Yeah, yeah just hurry up and do it before he decides to leave.”

I kept my eyes glued on the bear as I pushed the button.

“Lean back you’re in my shot. I moved slightly but she waved me farther back. “You’ll have to move the seat back you’re still in my shot.”

It took me a moment as I had to contort my body awkwardly to keep my finger on the button, my eye on the bear and find the seat lever with my other hand all at one time.

I eased the seat back and was startled when my finger slipped off the button and the column between the front and back seats blocked my view of the bear. “Ooppps,” I said leaning forward in the seat and getting my finger back on the window button.

“Wait you’re in my shot again,” J complained. “Lean back.”

“But I can’t see the bear when I lean back. I want to be able to put the window up if he moves toward us.”

“He’s not moving, lean back.”

With my heart pounding madly I eased back. I heard her camera click and leaned up to check on the bear again. She shooed me back and I leaned back for a second while trying to keep my now sweaty finger from slipping of the window button. We repeated this process several more times. I’d lean back hear her camera click then lean forward to check that the bear was moving toward us.

How many freakin pictures did she need, I wondered. A rumbling growl emerged from the beast and his paw slapped down the grass in front of him. In a panic I pushed the window button.

“Wait! Don’t roll it up yet. I can see him so much better now that he flattening the grass in front of him.”

I paused with the window only up a few inches. “But what if he comes at us? He’s very close and he’ll get me first,” I complained.

“Don’t be silly, he--”

He let out a loud growl and lurched forward. I pressed the window button, the window moved sluggishly. “Oh no!” It stalled all together and I let out a squeak of alarm and stabbed at the button. Another growl and I was yelling at J to drop her camera and drive. The window started moving again but way to slow. The bear could still stick a big claw in if he wanted to bad enough.

J dropped her camera with a muttered complaint about me not fulfilling my ‘shotgun’ obligations but at least she threw the car into drive while she muttered and the car shot forward.

Thankfully the bear did not give chase so I saw it as a disaster averted. J refers to it as a missed opportunity for some really close up pictures.

During the first hour of our road trip she did explain to me that riding shotgun (front passenger) meant I would have to do certain things to help out the drive but at no time prior to this did she mention that it included being bear bait.